xplosive pizza

So I bought these Goldfish® crackers that boldly proclaim on the bag to be "Xplosive pizza flavored," complete with pizza slices bursting out of the logotype and Finn™ the fish wearing sunglasses to shield his piscine eyes from the blast.

I love the crackers, but every time I look at the words "Xplosive pizza" on the bag, I instantly think of the -- as GT calls it -- "garlic dysentery pizza" that the Sundial food court at BGSU served. I actually didn't have a problem with the sauceless garlic pizza for the first two years of college, and it was a welcome alternative to their sauce-based pizzas, which I didn't like.

But, as happens to many students, one day I had a slice of garlic pizza and suddenly it hit me -- I can never eat this again. And I hope I can type the passcode to the bathroom quickly enough. (Yeah, our bathrooms had electronic locks on them.)

From then on, every time I saw that garlic pizza gleaming with grease and beckoning my consumption, I just reminded myself of what happened the last time I fell for its dirty little trick.

Well, that, and by then GT had coined the phrase "garlic dysentery pizza," which he'd shout any time one of us so much as glanced in the direction of the pizza bar, and frankly I'd sworn off most foods that included an Oregon Trail disease in the name. Except maybe those Chococholera Cream Puffs. They really aren't so bad when dipped in Pepto Bismol fondue.

By the way, there are three Goldfish® fish: Finn, Xtreme, and... Brooke. I was all set to comment on how the female ended up with a normal human name, until I caught the pun.