chemo #7........ tired

The treatment went fine today (started late again, of course), but I did feel nauseous during dinner, which really pissed me off because it tasted good (Sesame Lime Steak, served over rice instead of in tortillas). After everything came up, I felt better, took some Compazine, then finished dinner. What annoys me even more is that it came so suddenly, and I didn't have a chance to use the Compazine before it was mentally snowballing. I'm not sure exactly what brought it on, anxiety-wise, and this is the first time this has happened.

Sometime in the next month I'll have another CAT Scan to give them an idea whether 6 months will be enough. They won't know for absolute sure until after the 6th cycle/12th treatment though, when I'll have another CAT Scan.

I'm fine now, but tired, so I'm thinking it'll be an early bedtime tonight.

halfway there!

I'm now officially halfway through the chemo -- not counting the radiation. I asked for some details on the radiation, and was told they usually wait 3-4 weeks after chemo to start it. As mentioned before, radiation therapy is Monday-Friday for three weeks, and after the first session it's a quick process each time. For those keeping track in their little pocket calendars, my last chemo should be June 1st*, then I'll probably start radiation June 27th, ending July 18th (they have to add an extra day since they're closed July 4th... that's fine, I'd rather have my holiday). Unfortunately, that plops me right in the middle of the weekend I'm spending at the cottage with my college friends... but then, I'm also going to Toronto on a chemo recovery weekend, so whatever.

*"should be" because sometimes they need to do more than 6 months of chemo

The fatigue is coming sooner and staying longer now. The first few times, I was fine on Thursday but tired on Friday; this time, I slept in and worked a half day on Thursday, then worked most of Friday and came home early to take a 2-hour nap. Even today I'm still kinda out of it. In retrospect, I'm SO glad I didn't get chosen for the Stanford V trial -- yeah, I'd be done with the chemo by now, but I'd also have felt like this every week with little time to recover between sessions.

Oh yeah, and that nurse? She doesn't work there anymore; Wednesday was her last day, and they made sure I didn't have her. As far as I know, it had nothing to do with me. :) She wasn't new, or a temp, or anything. It was just her demeanor and permadeer look (i.e. she always looks like a deer in the headlights, as some of the nurses described her... and that's pretty accurate).

Unfortunately, when it came to the drug that was being administered during my anxiety attack last time, I couldn't keep my mind off it and I felt nauseous again. This nurse was smart -- she turned on the TV, and we started talking about my job, which shifted my mental focus and the nausea magically went away. (And it's not that easy to just not think about it, because I have to eat ice chips during this drug, so it's a constant reminder of what I'm doing. Nonetheless, making conversation did the trick.)

Speaking of anxiety, I'm glad I have this blog for people to read, as it reduces the number of times I have to repeat stories like that, which tend to be a little unsettling even weeks later. I do like keeping people informed of what's going on, but it's also nice to be able to say "just read the blog" now and then too.

good news

I thought I'd give it some time to see how I felt about last week's treatment. It's still a little hard to tell the story, so I imagine if I had that nurse for treatment again I'd be just as much if not more anxious than last time. So, I called my regular nurse and asked if they could ensure I don't have her again, and she said yes of course no problem, she'll check the day before to make sure they know not to let me have Nancy... and if possible, assign me to Carmen.

Me: "Ooh, Carmen, I liked her."
Her: "Yeah, everybody does. There was one guy who had [the every-week/3-month treatment I ended up not being selected for] and he had to have Carmen every time."

So I feel a lot better about that now. She said the younger age group is more likely to have pre-treatment anxiety anyway, so it's good that I told her about it rather than letting something else happen. It's kinda funny, I would've thought the young 'n' ignorant I'm-invincible crowd would be less anxious than the older life-experience death-is-a-part-of-life am-I-going-to-die? crowd... but whatever.

Mentally, the chemo is finally starting to wear on me. Not so much in the "is this going to work?" sense -- obviously it's working -- but rather just as an annoyance, i.e. "oh boy, 3 more months of this crap." I'm not "bouncing back" as quickly after each session, and the lethargy is less but the food-indecision is more. That is, it's very hard to decide what to eat for a few days after treatment, until I think of something that sounds really appetizing, then I have to go with it. A few weeks ago it was Velveeta Shells 'n' Cheese... another time it was Long John Silvers... last week it was pizza. This is particularly inconvenient when I'm at work and bring a packed lunch, but then at 11:30 decide a peanut butter sandwich just won't go down. It's not helped by the feeling in my throat that the anti-nausea drugs create (sort of a "blockage that's not a blockage"... not sure how else to describe it) and the coating on my tongue that's hard to get rid of.

But another way to look at it is to think how quickly the last 3 months went by, or even the past year. A year ago I was playing for Schoolhouse Rock rehearsals. And I still haven't completed all the things on my list I supposedly was going to get done over my summer vacation. :)