an anniversary

It's August 21, 2004, which means it's been two years since I became Serzone-free. Serzone is an anti-depressant, which I was taking for anxiety. Truth be told, Friday, August 9, 2002 should really be the significant date, as that's the date on which I developed my New Outlook On Life™, or NOOL™, as I call it. But since 8/21/02 was the first day in over two years I didn't have to take a pill, that's the date I keep in mind; I only know of August 9 because I kept a copy of my NOOL. Here's the gist of it:

Okay, maybe not an outlook on life, but a new outlook on something. The other day, I decided that if I'm going to be fully off Serzone in two weeks, I'd better prepare myself for it. I can't be the same person I was before I took Serzone, or else I'll end up back on it again. And I can't change other people, I can't always change my environment or my list of things to do; all I can change is myself.

Ooh, what an original idea! But seriously, I have to change my way of thinking. First of all, I have a tendency to take things personally that aren't intended as such. This happens around my college friends -- we often joke around, take jabs at each other and whatnot. I join in too, but once it keeps going, at some point my subconscious decides to get offended, or worse, self-conscious and frustrated. This is not good. Because then my subconscious decides that I can't eat dinner when around certain friends, which sucks since I like eating with friends. It's entirely hypocritical: why should I feel I have the right to make fun of my friends, but not they of me? One of my college friends was taken aback by this notion, thinking I was blaming him for my anxiety -- but I explained to him that it wasn't HIM, but how I interpreted him.

Second, no more being bitter, holding grudges, or allowing myself to take time out to bitch. I used to think that it was good to vent, get my thoughts out and all that, but I'm starting to realize all I was doing was digging myself a deeper hole. I'd start with a small problem, and the more I thought about it and talked to myself about it, the more pissed I got. How is that helping? Even if I have a reason to be upset, taking an hour out of my day to remind myself exactly why I'm so upset will only make me MORE angry. That doesn't mean I'm going to keep everything bottled up inside until I burst -- it just means I'll be more picky about what is really important and worth worrying about.
[...]
All the time I spend worrying just eats up the hours, which gives me less time to get things done, so then I worry about that too. If I use that worry & ranting time for being productive instead (and using work as a method of getting my mind off my problems & workload, i.e. using work as a "distraction" from worrying), I could be as productive as the Japanese. :)

OK, so two years later I'm not as productive as the Japanese. However, I've stopped taking sarcasm personally, I don't rant out loud to myself as much as I used to (only on rare occasions, and each time I'm reminded of what a waste of time that is), and I'm not bitter in the way I was before; I'm more laid back in that department.

The key line in the NOOL is this one: "I can't change other people, I can't always change my environment or my list of things to do; all I can change is myself." That alone was the biggest help to me. While I wouldn't go so far as to say "everything is my fault!" or "no one else is the problem; I just suck!", the point is that, while changing your own personality may not be easy, it's easier and more effective than trying to change other people. And once you accept that, you just might realize that other people really weren't the problem, just your interpretation of them, or your acceptance of their behavior. Sure, there are grade-A, type-A assholes out there, but it's easier to deal with them if you keep your type-C self levelheaded.

And of course, all of that advice sounds obvious in retrospect, but it was still something I needed to discover for myself in order to accept. Oh, and I also was no longer in college by that point, which meant I was under less stress, so I imagine that had something to do with the easy transition as well. Even so, I'll celebrate August 21st as NOOL Remembrance Day by adding an amendment that I alluded to in my blog last week: "Everything in life is only for now."

Or as I put it in an e-mail to a friend, I still have to occasionally remind myself that no matter how quickly time seems to fly, it's actually moving very slowly, and anything that's irritating me [...] is only-for-now. I just have to be more patient, and work my way toward the goal.

Oh, it's also kinda nice to have goals now. Two years ago I basically had no plans, other than to find a job -- any job -- and I didn't care what it was so long as it was in my field. Now I have a bit more perspective and have said "ok, this is what I want to eventually become in my life; let's start working toward it, but remember it's going to take some time."

The goal, by the way, is to be a syndicated freelance cartoonist, while living in a house that I designed, containing both a 9-foot Yamaha concert grand piano and a beagle named York. There are many steps between now and then, and while I may have to take the paths as they come, I ultimately have to make the steps.

uncle sam wants YOU (maybe)

And you'll find out rather quickly that it's a parody. :)

The New Draft Registration Form

the war hits home

A soldier from Elyria serving in the Army was just killed in Iraq. He was 23, graduated from high school 2 years after me. The article in the local paper, strangely, doesn't mention that he went to Elyria High (since I graduated in '98, I didn't know he had transferred to another school to play football).

The reason I remember him -- in fact, the only reason I knew who he was -- is because he was a sophomore in marching band my senior year. At Elyria High, there are so many students in band that the Freshman Band is separate from the Marching Band, which is grades 10-12. That means the sophomores are the newbies and get to experience the "hazing" at band camp. Well, my sophomore class was the last to endure the full brunt of the rituals, but when it came to my senior year, the chaperones let us shaving cream sophomores, but only if we did it in the shower room of the dorm, quietly, and only did it to those who volunteered.

Well, Danny was the first sophomore to gladly step forward for a faceful of shaving cream. And there were so few volunteers that most of us used up all our shaving cream on him, and we all remembered what a good sport he was. And that's the only reason I knew him, as I didn't really know him personally.

*sigh* It's a helluva lot more than 6600 miles from sophomore band camp to Iraq.

(Chronicle-Telegram articles here and here.)

the m.a.n.u.r.e. pile

The cycle of educational fads is certainly nothing new. Most of today's retiring teachers can easily name at least ten fads their school went through in their 30 years. What's funny is that many of the trends they cite from 30 years ago will sound vaguely familiar. These things tend to follow a process of The Three Rs: Rehashing, Recycling, and Retrofitting. For example, the modular scheduling of the '70s was rehashed in the '90s, but it didn't take, so they recycled it and called it block scheduling, and attempted to retrofit it into schools that weren't prepared to make such a sweeping change.

For the convenience of educators everywhere, one web site has compiled a list of these educational fads, aptly named The M.A.N.U.R.E. Pile: Mechanisms to Advance New Understanding for Renewal in Education (if that's not businessdud jargon, what is?). Even if you don't work in education, you may recognize some of these (such as Total Quality Management) from the business sector. The difference is that corporations have to turn a profit, whereas schools can just beg the citizenry for more property taxes to cover their mistakes.

The MANURE Pile has their own list of steps, but here's the process I've observed:

1. Someone in upper management reads about recent studies or surrveys of some new educational/business/management technique that worked at two -- possibly even three! -- other schools.

2. Hoping to bring in similar success and attach it to his/her resume so he/she can sprint off to a higher-paying job, said upper management person takes a few management buddies down to Hilton Head Island or perhaps Hawaii to attend seminars, workshops, and martini bars to learn all about the latest fad.

3. An "expert" on said fad (a "guru" if you will) is flown in, put up in a hotel, and paid $1000 a day to speak to the staff about everything the upper management already learned from steps 1 and 2. Guru/guress may even have a doctorate in something, thus giving him/her more credence. Survey/questionairre cards filled out in response to the guru are duly ignored. Studies from schools that weren't successful and actually showed negative results are also ignored, or written off as irrelevant analogies.

4. Office Max sells out of 3-ring binders as administrators, teachers, and staff at all levels are filled to the brim with various colors of photocopied pages reiterating what a great system this new fad is, and if there are enough trees and pink dye and school-related clip art leftover, maybe even some ideas on how to implement it.

5. Teachers/staff are required to take classes during summer recess to be trained on this incredible new system. At each teacher's expense, of course. More binders and tote bags with the fad's copyrighted logo abound.

6. Administration demands the staff start using the latest jargon and abandon the tried 'n' true teaching methods in favor of something an out-of-work school counsellor dreamed up so he/she could get paid $1000 a day to talk about it.

7. Something unexpected happens. Perhaps two schools merge, or a principal leaves, or a new superintendent is installed, or a tax levy fails. Whatever the reason, it's decided that it's too risky to fully implement the new fad while the school system is unstable. Or, the administrator who was so gung-ho about it in the first place has left, frustrated with how long it was taking the staff to accept his/her grand ideas. Or, the fad fails to live up to the expectations of the upper management mentioned in step 1, and slowly but surely (slowly enough so as to avoid admitting fault or pointing fingers at mirrors) they return to the tried 'n' true way of doing things.

8. Go to step 1.

Some schools are lucky enough to get through step 7 before any damage is done. In other cases, where the administration is especially aggressive, the fads fail and the students caught in the scuffle graduate with little more than an intellectual tease. Their education has been compromised and they are at a disadvantage when it comes to college scholarships, but -- meh -- mere statistics. Tsk tsk.

Is it any wonder my parents retired from teaching the moment they were eligible?

what a difference a week makes

Last Thursday, I found out I will not be cut back to two days a week at work. The previous Thursday, that's what I had been told. Since we're putting out so much new music this year, it obviously costs more to produce it. Well, until we can make that money back from sales, the company is a bit short on cash to meet payroll. So two Thursdays ago, I was told some production people were being let go and I would only work two days a week. That would last maybe a few months, and if sales improved, they'd put me back to full-time. If I found a new job in the meantime, they'd understand.

So my first step was to start looking through the help wanted ads and make sure my resume was up-to-date. I started making plans for my newfound unpaid time off, namely putting my latest graphic design stuff on my website and finishing up those things from my vacation list I didn't get done (especially packing up the Snoopy collection). I was actually looking forward to the prospect of having more time to get things done and finding a higher-paying job that would allow me to move out of my parents' house. This time around, I'd have a much better portfolio, more experience, and could be more picky about pay instead of settling for whatever I could find (ideally).

The following Monday, we had a company meeting and discussed other ways the company could reduce costs and increase sales. After a weekend of actually looking forward to being part-time, suddenly I was afraid my plans would be crushed. And they were, Thursday, when we met again and came up with a new proposal. Thanks to a good week of sales, they were more optimistic about the cash flow. If necessary, everyone will be cut back to four days a week. It won't be quite as much of a savings as the original plan, but it will retain people who already know how to do their jobs. That is, they won't be getting rid of people for short term gain, only to hire new people later that have to be retrained.

So, for now, I'm still full-time. But unless I can get a raise (unlikely, since they had to resort to this plan in the first place, and the president and business manager both took paycuts), I will still be looking toward finding a higher-paying job. As nice as it is, I don't want to live with my parents for the rest of my life. I won't be moving out at my current pay rate, if I can avoid it.

I think the Avenue Q song For Now applies here. :)